my boss is friends with co worker

If it's truly a particularly bad time for him to be gone and you can't reasonably make it work without him, then you explain that and say no, and make it clear that you regret that's the case. They will always be giving the perception of favourism, and the lower level employee will always have their career tainted by that favourism. Yeah, the friendship will have to change. Facebook and Instagram are great platforms for sharing snippets of your life. In spite of my categorical statement above in the thread, it can work. If you are navigating these tricky waters, try observing these rules for socializing with your superior. At the time, I was on a different part of the team, and we were basically peers. ). Casey may be the best employee ever! I'd gushed to a coworker about finally feeling ready to go back to school, and how I'd started the application process. We both started working . My organization firmly believes in accountability, feedback (up amd down the ladder) so it keeps me in check to regularly get feedback from all employees on their needs, goals, whats working/whats not, how can I get better. I assume the second one must be much more difficult to manage, but to be honest, I do not see such a problem in the first one which means just keep matters strictly professional at work. I can imagine someone who was going through first-time-manager growing pains making a hash of it, though. That kind of power dynamic isnt a healthy one in a friendship. These arent synonymous. When I was applying for my bosss position, I knew it might change things with Casey if I got the job but I figured we would work it out somehow. One rule of thumb is keep your body parts to yourself. This is harder than you might think. Im fairly certain my Boss and colleague believed they were discreet and professional too. on the team, and while I do admit that this led to certain things being easier for means I definitely benefited in some ways, it was overall terrible. Absolutely. This point cant be emphasized enough: physical contact at the workplace is almost never acceptable. We can set up a meeting during business hours on recorded lines to discuss business. A lot of the time, my team feels more comfortable venting to me or to her and they are aware that she will discuss any necessary feedback with me. Obviously, I dont have to take any job I dont want, but I have to figure out how to tell my friend I prefer just being his friend, and not his staff member. Also, I'd want to know whether people are usually able to use their vacation time in chunks of at least a week at a time. I don't know if there's anything that I can say or do, but it makes want to leavemy job. Even if they handle all the other potential land mines perfectly (like impartiallyassessing the friend'swork, giving critical feedback when needed, and not favoring a friendwhen it comes to doling out assignments orperks), there's still the issue of imbalanced access, as well as the way it makes other people feel. Its a value judgement as to whether its worth it to you to do those things even though it will negatively impact your coworkers. Second, I ended up in weird interpersonal dynamics with others at work that didnt really have anything to do with me but were affected by our closeness. Oh, I dont know. However there are pitfalls to be sure as Alison mentioned. 2. It's one of the many reasons why managers need to have professional boundaries with people who report tothem. He then submitted a second set, to extend his dates, and without approval went ahead and booked his travel. It's demoralizing to work in this atmosphere, and I feel most days like I'm back in junior high. This will probably only be temporary on her part, but until then Ive got to pull way back on the stupid talk, and outright stop the (legal in our state) recreational marijuana sessions. And if she ever cools on the friendship, she shouldnt need to worry about how that could affect her professionally. It can work. For students, plagiarism complaints are taking very, very seriously. She was absolutely given preferential treatment because of it.. OP chose a promotion over a friendship. I know it doesnt work for everyone but my former boss and I were friends and not just friendly. Are you saying that it is impossible then? You could even need to fire or lay her off one day. I had a friend become my boss and it was a nightmare. Is there a key accomplishment from your one or . Kathy Caprino Senior Contributor I cover careers, leadership, and women's issues. It seems problematic for a host of reasons. Then theres the impact on you. I am even more impressed, NotSoAnon, because from what you say I can see it is not easy and makes you struggle, yet you are managing to handle it and maintain both the work and the personal relationship. Chances are they trust you (a lot), but they don't feel the same way about everyone in the office. Very true! And how do you know that none of the drama in the company was related to the friendships you or other managers in your organization had with people lower down on the org chart? We talked more openly with each other about our families and personal life issues than we did with most other colleagues, but we didnt have much overlap in our outside-of-work social circles or lifestyles. If your coworkers and your boss are your Facebook friends or your LinkedIn contacts, you have less control over what they see or post on your profile, even if you have your privacy levels set to restrict access to the public. Now the two of them have access to my boss in ways that I (and my otherco-workers) do not. instead of just phone calls and texts! But I didnt end the friendship with her! But then you cant accept a promotion managing one of them. Sometimes its giving hard to hear feedback that ultimately makes them better professionally. And even if theyre the sort of rainbow unicorns who actually could do this, how are the other team members who arent friends with the manager going to feel? Im sure it is true that lots of people manage it successfully, but it is also true that the people in your shoes just cannot have an honest assessment of whether or not it was really okay. That may negatively impact their coworkers or it may not, but so do many other things in peoples lives. A boss who shows genuine concern for the welfare of her workers is often rewarded with happier, more productive workers. It's unprofessional . What do you think? But you cant really have both. . If your friend is slacking off, she may use your friendship to get you to cover for her. And even when wed been peers on the org chart, we were obviously at very different stages of our careers, so there wasnt any tension about her getting promoted over meI was never in the running for the manager job, and I wouldnt have wanted it either. Send your workplace conundrums to workologist@nytimes.com, including your name and contact information (even if you want it withheld). On the other hand, hiring friends and family members can make it difficult to make necessary cuts in hours or payroll, even when layoffs or pay cuts are necessary for the company's survival. This whole situation is very uncomfortable and there isnt a darn thing I can do about it. Thats how manager learned that employee routinely avoided work, had patterns on calling in sick, took out personal grievances by sabotaging projects, and she had to fire him. If you are a bad boss, and you are your employees friend, you are not being a good friend either. I recently moved to the town where one of my dearest friends live (like, BFFs since childhood, godparents to their kids, etc). Generational gaps, how close friends you are, any strains on relationship, if your friend does expect favors and special treatment, etc. They can be friendly, but not friends. Well talk at parties or at work parties, but its also easy for me to socialize with other people at those events and not focus on them. Is it worth escalating my complaint tosomewhere higher, such as HR? Turns out she was a bitter woman. This is really tough because even if the manager and report can redefine their relationship to be something other than friends, its uncertain whether others will accept this, or whether theyll always suspect unfair treatment when the former friend is favored over someone else. The same as if you were siblings or something like that. Yet many do. Air Force 1 x Tiffany & Co. Air Force 1 1982 . I once witnessed a case when a manager employed a long-time family friend as their direct report (they had been close friends at least ten years prior to the employment), and it worked pretty well. (My once-and-hopefully-future-work-bestie and I once almost got matching tattoos. Which is a perfectly normal decision. I personally avoid developing friendships with anyone who reports up to me, even though it is incredibly common in my workplace. B.) Its been over a year and the weirdness of the boss/employee relationship hasnt gone away, but I think thats the point. That way its no mystery why certain team members are getting certain opportunities others arent. The problem here is what if you have to discipline your friend, or what if you have to lay them off or fire them? For one thing, the friendship is now inherently uneven; her job will be in part to prioritize what you want over what she wants, and your job will be to judge her and her work. June 23, 2023 - 107 likes, 1 comments - The AHA Life: Careers (@theahalife) on Instagram: "Best friends come in all shapes and sizes and some of the best of them come with paws! If you're pals outside of work, that's great; just remember that work comes. If it leads to you having some bittersweet feelings about your promotion, that doesnt make you unprofessional or immaturethats totally normal. Ill be managing Casey and three other people. Much comes down to whether people in the team respect and support he manager or not.. if they do then friendships ought not be an issue, if they dont then anything that can be made an issue will be, including any personal relationships. I believe you that you have no intention of doing so, being impartial about people we are close to is incredibly difficult, and in fact only possible when you are aware of your bias and actively trying to overcome it. We did make the mistake of being close while he was still my boss and it caused a LOT of problems. Ive seen it backfire horribly, and Ive seen it go really well, and everything in between. Youre also going to know things that you cant share with Casey, even if you want to and even if they could significantly affect her. Andreally, this is the process working the way it's supposed to -- you're getting information about these applicants that's letting you see they'renot people you want to hire. But its always been more of a getting lunch once in a while friends situation, not holding your hair while you puke at a house party friends. What keeps me going is I love the work that I do, we are video editors, and I have some great award-winning things I've done. A.) I raised it as an issue during the interview process because of reading all about how bosses shouldnt be friends with their direct reports on this site! Your boss isnt the right target for your workplace whining. All of the relationships are meeting in the middle, if that makes sense. Im not saying it didnt effect everyone else negatively, Im saying it didnt effect his reputation. Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues--everything from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team about body odor. We also had upper management who was either genuinely good managers, or who were toxic and/or incompetent but thankfully too busy or distracted elsewhere to interfere. Everyone else is still going to think theyre friends so it doesnt avoid all of the problems that managing a friend would have. Now I cant speak to what its done to his wifes reputation but she still has her preferential treatment and shes going to finish out her career here so it kinda doesnt matter what its done to her reputation. Thankfully, 99% of the time, it was totally fine, and the few issues that were experienced were decidedly minor and easily resolved. 1. Not necessarily. She is also married, with teenage kids. Other managers, employees in other departments. No, the person who was promoted was extremely incompetent but was given the job because he was the Big Bosss favourite, and the firned who was overlooked was angry and resentful and became a complete nightmare to both her friend who was promoted, but also to everyone else. Hope you have better luck than I did! The longer you wait, the more awkward it becomes.. I think it's unprofessional and opens up all sorts of potential for ambiguity and misunderstandings. OP should keep in mind that limiting the friendship now might be what allows it to survive in the longterm. My work is very similar we live in a town where many people went to high school together and have been friends for years. In most places, this absolutely would not fly. We were a tiny team when this started. Ive had to give her some really tough feedback before, both formal feedback and on the job coaching. I feel for Casey. Someone I knew sociallyI was friends with this person and their spouse, though not ultra-close friendsapplied for and got a position on my team at work. Its like any other conflict of interest. I think my feeling on this are colored by the fact that in my specific industry and company its practically impossible for managers to avoid managing people they have longstanding personal relationships with. It stinks to lose them, even temporarily. These mistakes are soegregious that I feel they deserve to be aware. However as a general rule, the burden of heavy lifting in an interpersonal relationship always falls on the person with more power. If they give you negative feedback, now its how could you say that, I thought you were my friend. Now your friend has say on your paycheck and career. It helps a lot to have open dialogue with her and all employees about how they prefer feedback so it can be semi tailored to the individual. But, I never understand why people think they wont have trouble giving their friend honest feedback. This point can't be emphasized enough: physical contact at the workplace is almost never acceptable. It recently came to my attentionthat a piece I worked for months on has been published and distributed by a co-worker in the university's PR department with her byline. You dont one day up and decide you dont like each other anymore its as someone said upthread: you stop feeding the friendship and let it mellow out while youre in an unequal power relationship. It makes me think that if the friendship is to survive this obstacle, it requires a serious effort of both the boss and the employee (the first one has to stay fair and not favour their friend, but the second one has to be fair as well in the sense of pulling their weight and accepting that at work they have to be treated as anyone else) , and in this sense it stays a kind of a peer-to-peer dynamics (I do my part, you do yours, although our roles are different). Definitely hard, but my team consistently rated the highest in our organization for employee satisfaction scores (completely anonymous other than department) which makes me really happy as a first time manager. A very occasional individual lunch is probably fine too as long as you offer the opportunity to everyone on the team as well for some one-one-one boss time. The problem is, you cant know for sure even if you havent been told. You can be as friendly to them as you are to anyone else at work you can sit and chat in the break room, ask how each others weekend was when you pass in the hall, tell workplace appropriate jokes to each other when settling into a meeting and waiting for everyone to arrive, and all that friendly and warm yet professional behavior. If you let her get away with it, you could become resentful of her. So Ive been in this positionI was promoted to manage my team, and I manage my four closest work friends. We should probably stop texting (this assumes that you dont text you other new reports) and discussing our personal lives in order to draw a more professional line. But Im really sorry. Friendships cant always bounce back from the decisions managers have to do. Oh! So Im probably going to be in the minority here, but I have had this exact scenario happen when I was promoted a year or two ago. Currently Casey and I are peers. And I would add: its okay to be sad about it! I'm sure this was an oversight, but I'd like to get it corrected. This just happened on my husbands team. I think generally people are treated equally but you can definitely see inconsistences at times. If your co-worker hangs on your every word, listening intently, you know this is a sign that they are interested in being more than friends. #winning. Had I the option, I would have asked to report to someone else/looked for a transfer, but as it was there was no opening in my skillset. Those people are lying to themselves. . We werent particularly friendly when she was a peer, and once when she was going to lunch with a few of our teammates and I thought Id join in, she was quite nasty about youre welcome to join us when were going for a team lunch, but this time Im going to lunch with my TRUE FRIENDS. Lets just say that shes learned a lot since then. The LW didnt mention hanging out on weekends or being over at each others house all the time or spouses and children also having relationship with the friend. It kind of makes it impossible for me to imagine a workplace where it is uncommon to be friends with a manager or a supervisor. Whats unrealistic is people believing they can be perfectly neutral and equitable as a boss when their friends are involved. Sometimes it was fine and sometimes it was a problem. She's gracious, upbeat, and a hard worker. It also helped that she was quite a bit older than me (her kids were only a few years younger than me). I have an employee who expects that he should be granted his vacation requests regardless of the impact it has on a very small department. For example, one applicantwas dead silent and answered only yes or no to almost every single question we asked her. Other workers often resent the favored worker, telling HR, "My boss is friends with Coworker," and the resentment can destroy the morale of the entire workplace. Hiding that from others does not fix that. Don't touch people," said Lisa Kay, president and lead consultant at Peak Performance Human . Maybe she knows she wont favor Casey because shes already aware of that bias. A reader writes: My boss is leaving and I'm about to be promoted into her position, managing our team. The supervisor got a new job a while ago, but somewhat recently, the coworker went there as well, again under the supervisor. Im very good friends with an ex boss of mine. Or how you really shouldnt get drunk and kiss your boss at the holiday party, but its worse for your boss to get drunk and kiss you. Yeah, this. Im honestly in the camp of I wouldnt mind being managed by a good friend or vice-versa. For example, my current manager, who although shes a first-time manager, is the best manager Ive had at this job and possibly in my entire career, was promoted from my team. If you were friends outside the activity, you certainly knew they were, but it did not show during the actual activity. Document her lies. For example, if the job posting has a heavy emphasis on X, and your resume only mentions X in passing even though you havea lot of experience with X, it would make sense to better highlight X for that particular job. How OP goes about the conversation (both with Casey and other coworkers), how it played out in action, and any advice born from that, etc. And coworkers who know of the friendship may assume favoritism, so be careful of the optics at work. 1) Your husband is secretive about his work life Has your husband recently become secretive about his work life? But I had to chime in and say that I saw it work at least once. Dont touch people, saidLisaKay, president and lead consultant atPeak Performance Human Resources Corp. Unwelcome touching, regardless of how casual, may not be received that way. Hiding a conflict of interest does not make the conflict go away. Continue to document the things you deem important. You probably don't need to do that forevery job you apply for, but I'd be surprised if you never needed to. - Outsider Sue Says: I think you are doing what you can under the circumstances. It could be a good opportunity to blow off steam and get to know your colleagues and, yes, your supervisor in a slightly less formal setting. Good friends are so few and far between that I would be never willing to give one of them up because of work. Those were hard but necessary and I do them with all employees as the need arises. In turn, work friend and I developed a strong friendship outside of work. She's gracious, upbeat, and a hard worker. Some of the job applications andinterviews have been so painfully bad that I feel it's my duty as a fellow young person to let the applicantknow. But giving outoccasionalfeedback here and there is totally fine (although make sure you're not saying anything legally problematic, suchas inadvertently implying you rejected someone for illegally discriminatory reasons) as long as you brace yourself to have some peoplerespond in fairly ungrateful and even hostile ways, because that is a thing that sometimes happens. Allisons advice is sound, assuming you are willing to prioritize your performance at work over your personal relationships. Ironic as she just decided we werent friends anymore. First, as other commenters mentioned above, it introduced a power dynamic in our relationship that I resented the hell out of, and that we still havent quite escaped. I know I pull my punches with my friends and people consider me to be pretty bluntly honest. I laughed merrily and said, Oh, you mean my actual husband, Frederick! Hiding the potential bias source is definitely not the answer. But worst of all, she brought her mom in with her.Then, today I saw a cover letter that was a fill-in-the-blanks-style thing but theguy forgot to fill in the blanks. Maybe your husband is just busy at work and wants to spend more time with you. You should apply. We end up with many employees who are friends with the supervisor or with the manager. But no, you absolutely cannot maintain the same friendship and need to be very careful with optics. In my experience it doesnt effect anything. As someone in that friendship you are by definition not the right person to judge. Depending on how much you value this friendship, you might be willing to accept that risk. Although I think that what you say, Alison, is spot on (as usual), and I would definitely second it in the case in hand (a coworker/friend of three years) and in most cases overall, I am wondering how rare are cases when both parties are able to actually manage the changed dynamics and maintain both the friendship and the relationship boss/employee at work. This frames you as a leader.". And please be sure to talk about this with your friend! I dont want other people to worry about favoritism, and I dont want either of us to be in an awkward situation where were never sure what the boundaries should be. Similarly, if youre mulling a career change, keep it to yourself. I get that in theory but it feels like Casey and I are both mature enough that we can stay friends without it causing problems. When your coworker . This whole situation is honestly so dysfunctional that it sounds like its normalized some quite atypical outcomes and behavior for you. If it matters, so far theyve all said nice things about my promotion. This almost sounds like you transitioned from a friendship to more of a mentorship, and (at the same time) the boss made a point of also being sociable with your coworkers and open to mentoring them. While its the easiest strategy to put a pause on the friendship, it is possible to maintain the friendship even with the power dynamic. Nope. But if you're overly close with a superior namely, your boss the bond could actually do more harm than good, according to psychologist and executive coach Kate Snowise. Do I need to tailor my resume to each job I apply for? In trying to keep both, youll fail at both. Or is it worth reaching out to the department's faculty academic integrity officer? I have a media background, and it is definitely not uncommon that friends end up managing other friends. I found myself feeling so much sadness for the loss of a friend while reading the letter. I think it helped that she had a lot of prior management experiencewhen she had to warn me about some problems Id been having, she already had a lot of experience doing that kind of conversation. Caseys also entitled to have boundaries with her manager to be able to call in sick without a boss who knows she was out late the night before, or to be able to vent about her job (or her boss!) It's best to avoid even the appearance of any weirdness/wrongdoing, and vacationing with ones boss isn't typically done. Being the boss by nature brings in a power disparity that will color the friendship. Im sorry but it sounds kind of delusional to think that being close friends is somehow unrelated to what you describe in that last paragraph, whether it is him being more likely to say yes to you because you were friends or even just you handling him better because of what you knew about him through your personal friendship. The social texting, the regular one-on-one lunches and drinks, and the sharing a lot about your personal lives thats all stuff that youre going to need to pull way back on. If I ever happened to work with my friend, I would probably try to maintain appearances at work (not being excessively friendly around other coworkers, and keep our social life strictly outside the workplace). It depends. And your boss/friend was deeply and alarmingly unprofessional in continuing to be friends with you, and is not a good boss. It wasnt their fault but we never managed to really solve the situation and it was always awkward. Using it here isnt doing anything more than perpetuating the use of it. You really do need to turn down a position of authority if you have conflicts of interest that would harm other people. it will gradually become less intense. Originally she was my boss and then was promoted to be my grandboss. She's risen quickly up the ranks. Because the relationship is, as people have said above, a conflict of interest. Keep in mind, though, that in some contexts this wouldn't be seen as a big deal, as long as your co-worker didn't actually misrepresentthings and was clear with whoever published it that it wasn't her work. In the 21st century, social media platforms such as Facebook and LinkedIn have blurred the lines between online and "real" interactions, not only socially but also in business.
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