I can relate to you. WHO CARES! Youre more likely to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes if your friends drink or smoke. Plus, I dont really want to be around in 40-50 years when a lot of the US will be underwater and climate change has destroyed crops. The kindest thing may be to cut ties or wean yourself off hanging out with this person. I get it. It would be safe to assume that any tweaks you ever notice on the site are with either user-ability, traffic, and/or revenue in mind. These comments are so polarized probably because you, Wendy, replied so harshly to the original poster just because she thinks her friends are awesome but her partners arent. Im in a similar situation & I refuse to put myself second to his draining family & friends. See my post above where I was spending all my free time with my husbands friends. Not caring so much what they think, and not taking everything they say personally, and not looking for things to be upset about. It's important to focus on the positive, even if you don't like your partner's friends. As you grow up and experience new stages of life, you'll probably no longer behave the same way you used to or like the same things you did in the past. They will always have a place in his life. I agree about the original poster. And I cared way too much about what people thought of me. And I no longer worry about a guys ego. Do not do what you dont want to do. The resentment builds up, no matter how good a face you put on the outside. This might seem harsh, but when you outgrow a friend, you dont care to tell them or update them on your life because you dont care what they think. I was in a very similar situation. Best wishes, and I think Wendys comments are hurtful, also judgemental and dustructive on many occasions and I dont think Wendy should be portrayed as being a person who helps others; I dont see much compassion or understanding from her in a few of her notes. The 2nd seminar I hated it less. But for the entire time we have been friends, he has always dreaded hanging out. But sometimes, you outgrow these friendships no matter how hard you try to hang onto them. The first was that if they said We missed you or it wont be the same without you, it really means that they are showing they care. Most of the wives dont work. Knowing were a team and on the same page regardless of what it seems like everyone else is doing makes everything worth it. Pro Tip: If youve noticed that most of your conversations and bonding experiences are rooted in old memories, it may be time to create some distance. LW. Clearly poster has reached personal limits and resentment sets in because her personal boundaries are shuttered. If that were true, then the world would be a looottt more boring than it is. Ive tried several times but I have limited time to read complete and utter bullcrap. If Wendy cannot give this poster advice, I will! They are who he is. Youll be gnawing on rats while Im resting peacefully. NO ONE should feel obliged to spend their hard-earned weekends with people they dont connect with. You can read that here.) Its ok to feel like this a lot of people do. It simply takes extra effort to get back on course and re-solidify new habits and behaviors. Im going to try to be as polite as possible so that should you reply to me my comment isnt just dismissed as everyone elses dissenting ones have been by you. ITS CALLED DEPRESSION fml. And man, I hate baby talk and all the poop, feeding, naptime, preschool talk that goes along with it. You got this. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB! 3. Youve got to actively work on a solution, and part of that will mean some change to your own viewpoint and behavior. If you dread spending time with someone, prefer not to spend time with them, or find excuses to get out of being around them, it's a clear sign you've outgrown your friend. As I come from a small town and him a big city he has childhood friends probably 20+ and I find myself overwhelmed at times with all the outings and Ive also noticed he trys to replace every dead beat dad when it comes to his single female friends has to attend every prom every graduation every party it does get annoying when you work all day and have your own family to come home to he also is a single dad and his dad wasnt in his childhood like so I do see were the wanting to be a hero comes in but save that for your old single like make a presence when able and that doesnt mean everyone when it comes time to make a drive to my home town its such a long boring drive and theres no effort made when my family has invited us to come over. Seriously. I follow politics. Just do it. Pro Tip: There is no need to judge your old friends or feel superior for tackling your bad habits. . This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Just because someone plans something first, doesnt mean that they can take all your time. There is nothing wrong with their decisions, but if you have moved away, started a new career trajectory, and found a deeper meaning in life, you might not have enough in common. I can tell you with certainty that there are at least some quality men in their 30s who have those wonderful long-term childhood or other close friends that they enjoy spending time with when possible but who dont hang out with them regularly because they are pretty busy being productive, working, contributing to their household and being a great partner, spouse and/or parent. Be REAL to these people. For example, you and he will attend 3 gatherings per month together with his friends, you and he will attend 3 gatherings per month together with your friends, and then the rest of your time is free for each of you to do as you please. And I saw it back before I had my kid, too, when my group of friends was all starting to have kids. I bet you all are over 40 year old bored-a** women telling this poster what to do. She said, Its sad, but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships., You may leave behind friendships along the way, but youll always keep the memories., She also highlighted that just because you outgrow a friendship doesnt mean you dont value the time you spent together. A similar dynamic can play out with your social plans. Um, dont knock the 40 year olds. The replies are really shocking to me. If I could offer advice to her, Id say stay strong and stick to your guns. How To Let Someone Know Youre Not Interested In Starting A Friendship With Them. Maybe we will in the future but Im not going to feel guilty about it because I tried my best, my partner and I love each other and we are committed to each other like couples were in the 50s not like they are now where the slightest hint of trouble equals moving on. Make it less about his friends/family and more about YOU and why youd like some time away from these gatherings. She doesnt want to hang out with them, and yet, when she declines, they get upset, even though they show no interest in her as a person either. Figuring out whether or not youve outgrown someone is not always a simple task. You shouldn't feel forced to move where they move or do the same thing with your life that they're doing. Your advice is so disappointing you should be called Windy (blow me). Whatever. basically I dont think its mean to look for some help or suggestions but here yall are being harsh dont past judgement when the shoe dont fit!!!!! The OP doesnt have kids and she has a career. By Shristi Sargent March 4, 2022 A study explains why introverts can love their friends but at the same time dread being around them. Being accepted into these groups genetically explains our need in modern times to be accepted by family. Leaving a friendship can sometimes feel like a romantic breakup. What if there is more than what she is telling you? You want a friend to support your dreams and life goals.. Stop being friends with them on facebook. My husbands friends are fine, but theyre not my friends, you know? Getting old isnt bad or scary, kids just think it is. The crowning irony here is that the very definition of "dread" is something that you feel (and I quote) "extreme reluctance to meet or face" (Merriam-Webster). This creates a gap between your new behaviors and new identity versus the old habits or younger personality traits you may have embodied when you first formed the friendship. Do you feel drained and tired after seeing them? Or maybe he doesnt enjoy her familys company any more than she enjoys his familys, and isnt willing to make an effort for her sake. The point is theyre good people, and they love my husband so much theyre willing to put up with me. But that isnt the life for most 65+ people I know, including quite a few over-90s, who have full possession of their faculties and many of whom are still living with their original spouses. LISTEN LW, YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIENDS BOND IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THAT ROOM. Pretty soon we had conversations about mutual interests because I took the time to make the effort. Worth the read. Do I just talk/write too much? I dont know what you expect your boyfriend to do, do you seriously want to put him in a position of telling his family and friends that hes chosen to keep someone in his life that hates everyone else he loves? Wheres the effort to find anything good about them or to understand a viewpoint that differs from your own? This boyfriends family sounds like a typical case . This poor girl is fed the hell up with pretending and has been doing it to keep the peace. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Like status updates are what matters in this world. ", RELATED:Why Forced Friendships Aren't Worth Your Time (& How To Avoid Them). I didnt like my husbands friends at first. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Keeping readers happy while making the site as profitable as possible is always a balancing act. By Megan Hatch Last updated on Feb 08, 2023. Sometimes though, anxiety can drain those resources from the relationship just as quickly as you invest them. So yeah I do agree with Wendys advice and I think you need to take a look at your attitude. BUT, I come from a small town where most are conservative and Catholic and I can still talk to everyone when Im home and I can enjoy their company. I love how contradictory this person is in one breath, she talks about being free AND chaining your boyfriend to your side. Theyre nice and we get along, but there isnt that connection the way there is with the people that I chose to be my own friends. You may subconsciously revert to an older version of yourself when around this person as you try to make things more comfortable. Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe they are asking for advice, or looking for reassurance. As for the friends, Wendy is spot on. Sorry for all the judgmental people you encountered here. We can connect to anyone, if we try. Where do you feel it? I am SO disappointed in Wendys comment. At the end of the day, if you feel like you have outgrown some of your friendships, it may be time to kindly part ways to keep growing into the best version of yourself. And even my family. If you hate, as this LW does, your partners friends and family this much then find a new partner. He acknowledges the problems I have with his friends and family and even agrees with my complaints (especially where his family is concerned) and yet, if I suggest we skip a dinner or gathering, he gets upset. I dealt with this when my husband and I were first married. Its OK to let go of old friendships that no longer nurture or stimulate your intellect. Years of accumulated memories, emotions, and mutual support still bind you together. Insomnia - You have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep and commonly dream about work. I wish you the best. I have a degree in electrical engineering and work for a major tech company. I was gonna chime in and say it happens to everyone when they have kids, but you got to that conclusion later in your story. Im guessing these wives arent complete idiots. You dont go to them anymore when something eventful has happened and you need someone to talk to. My boyfriend is a kind, caring, hardworking individual. However, when we spend time with them, we are met with guilt trips. Pick up each Post-It note and think of the last time you were with that person. He claims he doesnt know what to do because I hate his friends and family and he still wants to see them ALL THE TIME. What do you do when you dont like hanging out with someone? They will thank you for being authentic instead of hiding and pretending, even if its not what they want to hear. Outgrowing friendships is an entirely normal experience for anyone undergoing significant transformations in their life. F*** fake friends, we dont need em, the only thing they are good for is leaving! If you dont want to then dont. Women like you are an embarrassment to feminism. RELATED:A Letter To The Best Friend Who Broke My Heart (I'm Saying Goodbye). Hang out with these people alone less, LW, since they drive you nuts. If you dont identify a future with them in it, then you've already subconsciously pushed them out of your life. I think she has made a reasonable and valiant effort at trying to blend in with the idiot wives; it is really the boyfriend who should recognise her right just to STAY AWAY and enjoy her Netflix on the couch. I felt his family didnt like me, as i was usually ignored while being there, sometimes they made rude comments. APPALLINGLY, Wendy you enjoy, faking it till you make it. When you dont then you make up excuses of why you do enjoy it. Its actually hilarious if you read the whole thing. If you love your boyfriend and you see a future with him and the major issue in your relationship is your relationship with the other people in his life, it is worth it to make an effort to bridge the gap. Ask them questions, and keep asking until you find some commonalities you can converse about with them. Maybe when you're with them, you take on traits and characteristics that just don't feel like "you." Just last Friday I went to lunch with a couple of guy work friends who I havent seen since I had my kid. Washing is the exception. You just dissed the hell out of someone looking for your advice who actually took the time to read your garbage. TELL HIM TO PLACE HIS HAND ON YOUR HIP AND NOT LET GO. Because you have changed so much, the dynamic of your friendship has also changed. So the entire weekend was taken up, AND it required travel, which I was heartily sick of by that point. My calendar fills up with dinner parties, birthdays, and baby showers for these people faster than my actual friends can make plans. Im going to make a YouTube video about how much I despise this blog and the way Wendy handled the treatment of this question. The letter writer should dump her boyfriend. The site will wither and die, absent the eye-locking train-wreck letters, like the one Talula just posted. He may say he loves LWs family, but he doesnt. Not everyone is so desperate for an audience or attention. I cant believe so many people like you and want to hang out with you, how do you handle it! The least I can do is show up sometimes, listen back, and try. She cant stand either his family or his friends, but he wants to spend all of his time with them. Very, very sorry. But also, its not just the wives. Its part of the deal. It could be for any number of reasons. }); The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. Also, my husband and I secretly can laugh about a lot of this later, and then high-five while yelling CHILDLESS BY CHOICE! as we sleep until noon on the weekends. Conversations are stressful or unnatural, and you just cant relate to them anymore. Here is my advice, LW: Create a stronger bond with your boyfriend. but that you like your alone time or hanging out with your friends, that its just more relaxing for you. Asking him to choose between a girlfriend of two years and the friends hes had since he was a kid isnt going to go well for you. You dont want to hurt your friend or make them think youre on a high horse. Sometimes leaving a friendship can feel like a breakup. Do you have any idea how all-consuming it is when theyre young? Whats the purpose of the change? We talk about our kids! Here are the top 6 signs that youve outgrown a friendship and a few things you can do to let friends go. I found this topic very interesting! Think of it this way: A friendship should be a reciprocated process, and each of you in the relationship should yield a return.. I have sympathy for the first point and you and your boyfriend should work out between the two of you how much time is spent with each others sides and by yourself so there isnt a constant sense of burn out around one particular set of people. It can be uncomfortable and saddening when you find yourself noticing the signs you're outgrowing friends. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. As for the family, again, you get the family too. You should be able to hang out with both and learn to ignore them if either one complains about you hanging out with the other group. You need to get to the bottom about why they are making you feel bitter (resented feelings about marriage and kids?) It doesnt sound like they ignore you at all. That said, these friends have been in your boyfriends life since pretty much forever. I couldnt even be bothered to read most of your comment because it bored me. Move on. Maybe not when theyre around just the guys, but when theyre with women with kids, they loooove talking about their kids. Come on admit it, even YOU dont give a shit about other peoples kids, you just care about your own. Parents walking babies in strollers is probably 30% dads. Try new activities together Well, BGM, it stinks to be old and alone. Or you do not have enough shared interests in the present. I bet you all are over 40 year old bored-a** women telling this poster what to do. Quite a hilarious read this morning. But you are boring. My grandma was shopping at the mall when the lights went out for her, just very sudden. Yeah, what a bunch of vapid idiots! As a woman who works a full-time job, has been divorced, and dislikes children, I have absolutely nothing in common with these women, and, to be honest, I wouldnt hang out with any of these women if it werent for my boyfriend. I dont care for cruises, but it can happen when Im on a beach vacation somewhere. Are they putting a gun to your head and forcing you to go because no one can do that. Tell your boyfriend that you will give his friends a certain allocated amount of time.
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